by Brett Parker
Much ado has been made about the cast of Last Vegas, for it marks the very first time Michael Douglas, Robert DeNiro, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Kline have appeared together onscreen in the same feature. Even the grumpiest of cinephiles has to smile at such a line-up, and what’s really delightful is that they haven’t been thrown together for a pretentious drama but rather a wild Vegas romp that allows the fellas to indulge in some guy’s guy shenanigans. So it’s all kinds of disappointing that the final product comes up awfully short on big laughs and real feelings. These veteran aces happily look more-than-game to get their crazy on, but they unfortunately don’t have a script or director willing to tap into their full potential.
As the film opens, we meet an older businessman named Billy (Michael Douglas) as he reads the eulogy at his friend’s funeral. Feeling the wistful pinch of old age at that exact moment, Billy decides to propose to his much younger girlfriend (Bre Blair) right from the podium. She accepts, and a wedding is hastily rushed into place. Before he walks down the aisle, Billy thinks it’s best to throw a bachelor party in Las Vegas with his old pals. So he calls upon Paddy (Robert DeNiro), a depressed widow, Archie (Morgan Freeman), an ailing grandpa with some life left in him, and Sam (Kevin Kline), a bored retiree, to help him celebrate his last weekend of being a free man.
Pretty soon, the gang flies off to Vegas and find out just how old they really are. As the fellas tangle with drag queens, mixed drinks, VIP club life, and a bikini contest, they very much look like hopelessly confused seniors. Making matters more complicated is a lounge singer (Mary Steenburgen) who conjures up old wounds between Billy and Paddy. This causes the gang to work overtime to conquer their past, and ailing bodies, to party it up Vegas-style as best they can.
I literally laughed out loud when I first saw the joyous trailer for this film, but the buck truly stops there. Repressed senior citizens let loose in America’s playground seems like an endless well of comic material, but the script from Dan Fogelman (Crazy, Stupid, Love.) reveals nothing but tired geezer jokes and low-level gags that would be too lame for a basic TV sitcom. Hope could’ve been restored if the film held lyrical insights into the hardships of growing old, but everything here seems so damn contrived. The actors on display appear to be going through the motions of a commissioned fluff job instead of pulling real perceptions from their weathered depths. Director Jon Turteltaub is no stranger to putting movie stars in fish-out-of-water scenarios (and he directed the very funny Cool Runnings), but he usually just dishes out simple-minded standards and hardly seems like the right man to indulge in this cast’s inner-hedonists. While it’d probably be a bit much to ask Todd Phillips to repeat his magic from The Hangover, perhaps directors like Judd Apatow, Ben Stiller, or Jon Favreau could’ve brought the fun we yearn for.
Incompetent comedies are unfortunately a dime a dozen, but this one feels more shameful because these cherished thespians hold an excited enthusiasm to cut loose and live it up way more than the film allows them to. Morgan Freeman seems to be the most thrilled to be silly, and a scene where he gets drunk on Red Bull & Vodkas then decides to dance is easily the funniest moment in the entire film. Kevin Kline has a blast toying with his serious image by showing us a man desperate to get wild but gets hindered by a lifetime of being uptight. Michael Douglas can evoke a wily smoothie by just simply showing up, but he actually delivers the film’s only real moment of poignancy by delivering a wounded dialogue about how hard growing old is. Robert DeNiro can deliver a hardened, no-nonsense personality better than anybody, but we really wish he wasn’t made to be so serious and let loose with some unhinged wackiness. We know he can play gruff, but it would’ve been something if he could play zany here.
So if you’re looking for a quirky film with treasured elderly actors hamming it up over bromantic shenanigans while facing the wintertime of their lives, then Stand-Up Guys is actually the movie you’re looking for. Of course that earlier film is just as equally contrived, but it’s a hell of a lot more funny and enjoyable than this Vegas flick. So as we throw Last Vegas into the cinematic trash bin, I’m wishing on a movie studio that maybe another scheduling miracle can happen where these four stars can align again in a better and funnier vehicle. For their rascally smirks, mischievous eyes, and dressed-to-the-nines swagger show they could be sensational in a more dynamite comedy.
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